Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and you still haven't bought a turkey?
Get yourself to the grocery store and pick up the Jennie-O Turkey Store Oven Ready turkey. You don't need to defrost it, you don't need to clean it, you don't need to remove the gizzards, and good God you don't need to even touch the damn thing!
The bird is packaged inside of a "fool proof" cooking bag. You just throw it into the oven at 350°, and cook it for 15 minutes per pound. To help you out, it comes with a built-in timer so you know it's done.
Turkey day is tomorrow people! Get 'er done.